I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
