my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
