Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
