I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
