A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
