My friends, they love my intelligence
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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