is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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