I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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