Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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