News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
