She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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