i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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