Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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