That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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