I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
