no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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