Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize