woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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