Where are you?
In a non slutty way
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
