There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
