The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
