He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
