Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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