I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
