I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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