She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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