The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
