I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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