Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize