apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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