At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
