i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
