apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize