What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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