I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
