My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
