Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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