Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
