We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
