My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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