Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
