I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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