After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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