im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
