sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
