i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
