I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
