composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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