Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
