I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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