true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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