Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
