My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you win again, gameday.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
