I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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