I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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