I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize