I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
