someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Of course I have a pirate flag
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
