Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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