I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize