I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
