If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
