May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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