made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
