Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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