i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
