so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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