now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
