sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
