the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
