He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
