I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
