Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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