John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
