I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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